Eggs, toast, orange slices, coffee just the way I like it, and went out in the freeeezing ass cold to warm up my car for me. Can I keep him?

it's amazing how things will change from day to day, from moment to moment. the things that were at the top of your list last week are at the bottom this week, and things are all over the map compared to what you thought you knew.

i've started making decisions. yet again, i find myself in a place where my finances are less than stellar; i've made bad decisions about managing my money and it's gotten me in trouble for the ... last time. for so long, i've been satisfied to just say, "it's ok, i'm young, i'll borrow some money and pay it back, etc, etc" justifying and accepting the mistakes i've made. and yes, they've been mistakes -- we all make them -- but it's time for me to start LEARNING from mine. which i haven't done in the past. SO. the decision now is to make a change. i know how, i have the tools -- now is the time to DO IT.

i have decided that 24 hour fitness is not the career for me. it has taught me so, so much... i will never forget that. but it isn't what i'm meant to do. i need to do something. so, finally, i have made my decision to sever ties with this company as soon as i find the next step (because, as i mentioned, finances are not so great that i could quit without a back up plan!).

i've started considering things. right now, there are two big considerations on the table: air force, or navy. because i'm pretty darn sure the next step is the military, if they'll have me. i'm freaking out a little, to be honest -- i mean, it's not like the military is easy. but i think it's time for me to step up and try to do something with my life that ISN'T easy. i've taken the path of least resistance for so long. maybe it's time to step up.

anyway, i'd be looking in to a cryptology or linguist position in either branch, and i'm getting more and more excited as time goes on.

other things in my life, in convenient bulleted form:

- home in california, sick -- ovarian cyst that is causing ridiculous amounts of pain. off work til tuesday. starting to think that meds are making my life more miserable than they're worth.
- miss riding horses. thinking about starting to save money to take lessons again.
- hitting the five week mark with the boyfriend, which for me is about 4 and a half weeks longer than anyone else has lasted lately, which is encouraging.
- getting geared up for the figure show october 24th, and worrying quite a bit about how this time off is going to effect me. hoping that a week of working out won't mean that i'm totally unprepared in the end.

and, i suppose... that's all, folks.

having one's significant other bring to your attention your negative attitude is a pretty uncomfortable situation. i'm still not really sure how well this is settling with me, but tonight when we were discussing this body building show i'm trying to do, i suggested that often i focus more on the problem than the solution, and von responded "you tend to do that with life, too."

um, ouch. he didn't mean it in a bad way, and in fact he told me that he thought the competition would be good for me; that it would help me learn to change my outlook on life. but either way, it's made me think a whole lot about things.

all of my life i've been a quitter. any time that anything gets hard, i check out mentally (and some times physically) and just decided it's not worth it. not worth the hurt, the work, the ... whatever. and everyone keeps telling me with this competition that i have to make a decision about whether or not this is actually what i want... and maybe it's not always fun, but this is one thing i've decided i cannot quit. i refuse to quit. and every time that i feel like i'm going to fall off the stair master, or throw up while i'm lifting weights... i just have to remind myself that i cannot quit, and therefore quitting is not an option. if i just eliminate it as an option, then i can cease to focus on the problem -- because i've eliminated it -- and simply focus on the solution: do it. however you have to get it done, do it.

so anyway, this is my new attitude. and i feel all gung-ho and hoo-rah and what-have-you, but let me just say... it is so nice to have someone to hold on to on the days you feel like letting go.

my mother -- my 56 year old, computer illiterate mother -- is now on facebook.

i don't even know what to say.

do you ever have those moments when you feel so... just... SAD, that it's like your chest was opened up and someone took your heart out? not like heartbreak, but just that overwhelming sadness.

that's tonight. i miss home. i miss my friends. i can't shake the sadness tonight.

i have butterflies.

i have butterflies in that sweet, palm sweating, eighth grade dance sort of way.

-- but i'm pretty sure what really won me over is that he loves my dog.

so. i figure that if you're reading this, you know me well enough to have the details of my wacky personal life. ( here is a little too much information. )

positive news in bullet form!

* my dog and i are getting along a lot better than we were for a minute. she's stopped bleeding on my walls (and those walls are now clean!) and also stopped having accidents in the house. progress!

* i am getting a roommate in august!

* my birthday is in 26 days!

* i am going to get to watch the fireworks tomorrow!

* this really hot firefighter i've had a crush on FOREVER asked me out today, the day after i found out mikey was a d.bag, so i'm kind of hopeful for that. he's got a sense of humor like my dad, so this should be good. he is going to fireworks as well. tahooooe!

that's it for now.

it's just funny what life will throw at you when you think you've got it all figured out. when you think you're right on track. it's funny how life will then toss on your back so much more than you think you can handle.

on the flip side of the same coin, it's funny how when the worst gets worse, and then it gets a little worse than that, and you're ready to give up... life will show you your own private ray of sunshine.

i woke up to a picture from my friend mikey this morning of a bear he encountered at work last night. he took it with his phone; this is endlessly fascinating to me. what a cool way to greet the day.

in your unrelated, unimportant headline for the day, my dog TORE OFF after a bunny today when we went out for her morning pee. scared the shit out of me, but a neighbor-rising "TEQUILA, NO!" brought her back. sorry to the neighbors at 6:30 am. whoops.

i figured it out.

today, to avoid blood AND pee, i went out with the same papertowel idea onto the porch before keelah came in. interestingly enough, NO blood. (and conveniently, no pee, either.) i was excited to think that maybe she had stopped chewing, and let her inside. she ran around the house banging her tail into things as i grabbed a plastic baggie from the kitchen, and as we're walking down the stairs i notice that she has gotten MORE blood on the walls, and even on ME.

the only possible explanation is that when she comes in and swings her tail against the walls as hard as she does (and trust me, that tail is a lethal weapon) she must be re-opening the injury.

SO, now we have to figure out a way to wrap it and allow it to heal without her chewing the bandage off. my dog may end up as a cone head for a while.

at least i figured it out! yay!

and it wasn't.

my day off turned into having to go in to work because TWO people called in sick. i missed yoga (the ONE thing i wanted to do today), my workout SUCKED royally, and then my dog, whom i love with all my soul, almost got thrown off the balcony.

remember that tail thing i told you about? well, in an effort to reduce the amount of blood flung across my walls, i had this idea that i'd get a papertowel and hold it on there for a few minutes before we went outside, so as to soak up the blood. so, we get inside, she sits down in the kitchen, i take the papertowel to her tail, and....

she pees on my floor.

fuck this game. i am going to bed.

so that i don't litter your pages with all of my useless ramblings about diets and training, i have opted to start another blog at diaryofacrazy so feel free to follow along there if it strikes your fancy.

so, i just realized that i've been unbelievably boring lately. who wants to read a boring blog? pretty much no one. not even me, and it's mine.

so in that light, here is a mildly humorous [unless it happened to you] classic gross-out story to keep the masses entertained.

while i am gone at work, my dog gets to stay out on the porch because when left to her own devises inside she tends to chew on the most random of objects : ice cube trays, jackets, shoes, cd cases, etc. out on the patio she gets her food dishes and toys from the dollar tree that she is free to chew up as she pleases. now, i'm not sure if i'm not leaving her ENOUGH toys, or not feeding her enough food, or what... but she has taken to chewing at this spot on her tail and causing it to bleed. mildly annoying and possibly bad for the dog, but it's no more than a dime-sized spot at this point, so i've not been too concerned.

except: my dog wags her tail like she's trying to club someone to death. [and probably truly could.] this means that as she walks by things (tv, bookcases, fridge, cabinets, walls, my pants... the list goes on) she is flinging blood ALL OVER THEM.

seriously, it looks like a small child was murdered in my apartment. thank god for DNA testing. EVERY DAY i have to go back and clean up the blood that she has managed to get all over every surface. then comes the fun part of walking randomly through the house and noticing a blood spot and wondering two things: how did i miss that, and HOW did it get there?!

only funny if it's not happening to you!

one of my friends ivan, who just recently competed in his first body building show, is trying to convince me to come out dancing with everyone tonight.

ivan: come on, it'll make you feel better.
me: lol, let me get some food and i'll let you know.
ivan: from where?
ivan: stick to your diet!
me: from home, i'm cooking up some chicken :) only someone else who competes would ask "from where" like it's important!

still alive, still dieting, still working out... more to come when i'm not falling asleep.

:)